All My Nigros

Weddings are the best. I would attend a wedding every weekend year round if I could. I came close this past year with 10 in the bucket including my own, and already have 4 on deck for the 2016 season.

Next to a house they're the most expensive thing we throw money at as young adults, and it's for ONE day. I love it.

My good friend got married this past weekend at a gorgeous event space in Minneapolis that was black tie and no children. (If an invitation says no children, that means no children. Don't make it weird and ask the bride if your 5 year old can just sit on your lap. This isn't Delta en route to Disney, it's a wedding.)

I paid $34 for a spray tan, $80 up-do, and $55 for someone else to perfect my makeup. Makeup is a skill I have no patience for. I love any occasion to pay someone else to do it as I sit in awe of a perfectly blended eyeshadow game.

The bride, with friends like us, had all you could drink mimosas and beer for the wedding party starting at noon. We stood outside in the 20 degree January heat and snapped pictures with only one snap from our bride friend to STFU about it being cold. Touche, your day! *pounds champagne the second we're back inside* 

Is this where I mention that the photographer was confused on the term for a scarf, aka a shawl, that he kept referring to as a sha? The English language is hard. "Alright girls everyone grab your sha and say cheese!" (He was an amazing photographer though and I've been compulsively checking his site for sneak peeks from the day. They're going to be stunning.) 

~leaves blank space for stunning picture~

The entire reception was open bar which made for an unforgettable speech from the MOH who was double fisting Mich Golden Lights. Queue a great story involving being passed out with pizza. Ah, her first true love. 

Some gentleman that was a significant other of a cousin of, well someone, stole the show with moves on the dancefloor that had everyone asking, who's the old guy in the fedora? Reenactment below.

Seriously, weddings bring out the best in people and stories for a lifetime. My friend looked gorgeous, and while she refused to follow the trend of creating a wedding hashtag, we took care of it for her.

#allmynigros

The hotel bumped the couple to a fancy room for the night that had double bathrooms. Really, the best thing that could happen within the first 24 hours of marriage is having individual poop palaces. You know it was a win of a night when there's boxes of half eaten Domino's pizza in your 21st floor penthouse suite. TRUE LOVE. Congratulations to the happy couple! If I get one more snap of your honeymoon from the Dominican, I'll cut you. <3 

Recap: Chicago

You can’t be who you’re not. I’m not an itinerary person.

When flights popped up for a ridiculously cheap price on Spirit Air to Chicago, we said yeah let’s go! Chicago in the middle of January, I hear it’s lovely this time of year. Not to mention we just can’t get enough of seeing our girl Dani’s cute face.

Two weeks leading up to the trip and we have a massive group chat about all these “plans” we should make. Should we do a brewery tour, do we buy tickets to see this comedy show, will we be sober enough for the conservatory that early, maybe a dressy dinner at Hancock’s.

A vague itinerary gets slapped together that looks promising for a three day weekend in the windy city. We’ll land, go to dinner and get a good sleep for the next day's activities.

Maybe not.

We’re just not itinerary people. We’re drink Vodka sodas on the plane and get greeted with pizza &&& hot dogs people. Who needs to go out when we have all the wine we need right here. Unpacking, what’s that? Let’s just scratch this whole itinerary thing and go to the place on Yelp with the best brunch reviews first thing in the morning.

Ah, Chicago.

Brunch turns out to be a place with mimosas that you can buy by the carafe, and away goes the day. We manage to then stumble into a bar that has batting cages, skee ball, cheap drinks, and is also conveniently empty at 2pm on a Friday. No itinerary would have put us there, but that’s where we wound up.

Literally LOL-ed finding this and realizing I am 110% not standing where I am supposed to be. 

Also went to a restaurant where purple mustard got confused for purple jam (can’t trust anything these days), and more brunch. You can actually have brunch twice in the same day if you play your cards right.

The rest of our trip felt blurry and included a viewing of “Something New” on Netflix. I’m still in pain from the acting and how hard it tried to be so #deep. It’s going on my list of boxed wine girl night movies. Waterfall with your glass of wine when the steamy sex scene starts, and stop when the zoom out actually proves “SURPRISE! He’s just painting her toenails. GOTCHA!”

Ok fine, we picked it because he was in it.  

You’d think it was a Wayan’s brother spin off. This was way more funny.

Recaps are hard, I'm not sure I did the trip justice. I missed the entire part where a country band successfully performed a mashup of Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's Fishing in the Dark with Collective Soul's Shine and Britt reminded us how she had so many friends in Chicago because her thumb was being kept so busy. Saved for a future trip down memory lane.

(I really wanted to do this in old school Rainbow Word Art, but apparently that's no longer an option, what gives MICROSOFT?)

Recipe of the Month: Paint with Mustard

Pre-heat* your oven to 375 right now while you decide if you want to make this or not.

*BTW - just what is "pre" heating, how do you heat before you start to heat? George Carlin joked about this once, I can't let it go.

I know my recipes are pretty basic, but it's easy to forgot that cooking doesn't need to be complicated.

This is my go to easy dinner when you've forgotten to thaw your bulk frozen chicken from Costco.

Bake it from frozen! If you have a fancy food brush, get ready to paint some Dijon mustard on those frozen boobs and unleash your inner Michelangelo.

Beautiful.

Baked Crunchy Chicken 

-Preheat oven to 375.
-Place breasts on a baking tray. (I used  a double stacked grill tray) 
-Coat generously with Dijon.
-Top with Italian Panko Breadcrumbs. 
-Bake for 35 minutes.

I top it off with a 50/50 mix of stone ground mustard and honey. 


One of my favorites, and it's pretty. 

Lunch Forks

Working in an office environment is weird. Observations below. 

Who eats oatmeal every morning and leaves their oatmeal bowl soaking ALL day next to the breakroom sink. Imagine if we all did that, sir.

Where is the secret poop bathroom? There is always one. (Although I'm starting to think the handicap stall is reversed for that - plunger and all.) 

How come no one told me sooner Victoria's AMAZING salads are 50% off after 1:00? Not that it matters, I could never wait until that late in the day to eat. 

Speaking of which, the stink eye is not appreciated rest of office just because I am a hungry girl who likes to eat lunch promptly at 11:15. 

While I will take some responsibility for not remembering a fork with my packed lunches, why can the office splurge on an endless supply of sharpies, but not plastic utensils? Apologies for having to audibly slurp my applesauce cup. 

How was I suppose to know that we staple all of our papers in the upper *right* hand corner? I'm uncomfortable with how many times I've been reprimanded for forgetting. 

Do I finally call out the hen in the cubicle across from me that her diet probably isn't working because of the two bottles of Mountain Dew and "cheat" Oreos she has everyday? Stop reminding me that you're on a diet and I'll stop judging.

Does no one else walk outside in the Minnesota artic to come into the office? Hello, it's me Nanook of the North. It's like -5 degrees outside with a foot of snow, don't make me feel bad about having to find a spot for my hat, scarf, mitten, and boots in our tiny office everyday. I know you're cold everyone else in your adorable, but definitely not insulated jackets. Your ears and hands are cold and they hate you. 

This came off sounding whinier than I intended. Whiny observations that make working in an office fascinating. I'll keep you updated. Enthralling stuff.

Bachelor: What am I doing with my life?

Ugh I'm such a sucker for bad television. Goodbye Monday nights. Although I'm not entirely sure what I did with you before. 

The Bachelor is like everything you should hate in television. They claim it's reality. A reality where 25 out of 25 everyday woman have a perfect body, amazing hair, their parent's credit card, and a job that lets you take a 90 day leave of absence to find "true love." 

And I eat that shit up and feed into it by live tweeting the entire two hour charade every week. 

I'm going to file this hobby under the escape life  and distract your anxieties right after adult coloring books and before candy crush. 

Why is this show a thing, how has it been a thing for SO many many seasons. Like 90% of these relationships crash and burn or wind up on some spin off show that might as well be called Fame Whore Island. 

I'm going to recap last nights episode anyways. It took 40 minutes before the first woman even stepped out of the limo. The majority of dresses looked like something I would have begged for my junior year to wear to prom in 2006. Poorly placed sequins for days and not enough boob to properly fill it out. There was the typical cliches: four too many glasses of wine girl, twins, Miss I Still "Mostly" Have My Virginity, obnoxious remember me props, tears, and *gasp* a twist no one saw coming. 

Are these girls for real? When did I get older than the girls on The Bachelor? Why am I already looking forward to tuning into next weeks episode? HOW DOES BETCHES DO SUCH A GOOD JOB OF RECAPPING. I just can't muster the energy. 

Good job ABC, take my contribution to your ridiculously high viewership to run your over placed and over paid for ads. 

Remember 26

I hope I don't cringe as hard at this list as I did when I found Facebook "notes" from when I was a teenager. :/  18 pranks to pull at Wal Mart! 10 random things you didn't know about me! 5 song lyrics that describe my life!

Cringe. Cringe. Cringe.

Here it is: 26 from 26. 

HELLO FROM THE 27 SIDE. 

1. Running up a $100 tab at the winery the day before...
2. ...running a 10k with ALs. Went as expected.

3. Weekend trip to Milwaukee. Would go back to eat at Comet's Cafe again. Also, Sprecher should stay in the rootbeer and not beer market. 0/10 would not drink again.
4. Finally went to my mother-in-law's girls weekend. 10/10 will be attending the 2016 festivities. (only so many people can say they had a blast pub crawling with their mother AND grandmother-in-law. #blessed)

 

5. Got a FitBit! 10,000 steps a day, I got this!
6. Lost my FitBit.
7. Home Improvements. Priming, Staining, and Painting, oh my!

8. When I conned my friends into spending a weekend in Caledonia, MN. Rail drinks should never only be $1.50.
9. Drank entirely too much wine.

10. Wore this outfit for the entire 4th of July. Could maybe forget this one

11. Quit my job in diva fashion with 2 days notice. 

12. The relief of no longer having a job where I cried regularly in the office/bathroom/conference room/stairwell.
13. Started a new job!
14. The joy of having a job where people smile. 

15. VEGAS. Read the recap here. 

16. Twas the season for weddings! Congratulations Matt&Kim, Devin&Lindsay, Ryan&Brie, Brent&Kelly, Aaron&Danielle, David&Kristin, and Jared&Anne
17. Probably should mention my own wedding. I LOVE LOVE. 

18. A horrendous attempt to make crockpot macaroni and cheese. More like goopy gloppy cheese slime. *shudders*

19. After almost 5 years in RochVegas discovered we actually have some pretty neat nature trails. Putz approved. 

20. First row at Taylor Swift. All other concerts in the history of forever will never compare.
21. Joined a book club - read 6 more books than I did as a 25 year old.
22. Pierced my ears. I'm fancy now.
23. Did thorough research on tattoo removal. Decided maybe that's just a lesson you live with. My 18 year old self says sorry 27 year old self for that ankle tat that literally means nothing in any language. Plz still take me srsly.

24. Heartbreaking moment of 26 was having a dear friend unexpectedly lose her father. It shouldn't take an event like that to remind you to appreciate what you've got. Celebratory Twins game in remembrance to live like John.

25. Gained 5lbs, lost 5lbs, gained 10 more. Realized it really doesn't matter. Cheese me. 

26. Changed my last name! Maybe that's a cop out to also counting getting married, but what a pain in the ass life changing process. (The changing your name part, and maybe a little the getting married part.) Cheers to 27 as a Mrs.! 

Boones Toss

Remember that time I got asked to buy four bottles of Boones Farm, wink, don't ask questions. 

Ok, but what are we going to do with 7% abv impostor wine?

Hello Boones Toss, goodbye Slap the Bag. One of the better things to come out of 2015. 

No Filter - it's like drinking Rainbow Brite's tears

I assure you this post is in no way sponsored by the company - but I have to imagine they are well aware of the game. People don't just willingly buy a case of Boones at a time because it's that good for a midday sipper. Maybe middle class bored stay at home step-moms. 

The jist of the game as it was explained to me was quite simple: 1) Take a swig of Boones 2) Throw it to someone else 3) You can only catch and throw with one hand

Erm - hand eye coordination skills equal nadda. But I'm for giving it a shot. 

We go outside to play and bottles are being thrown through the air, while opened. Missed that in the directions. 

Boones over there. Boones over here. Boones in my hair. BOONES everywhere. 

It's like an alcoholic version of paint ball. Drink a little, get spilled on a lot, realize you've actually drank quite a bit, pass out. Wake up with massive gut rot.

My picture repository is failing me on having actual images of this glorious game in action, so I have drawn an MS Paint reenactment below. Happy New Year folks. 

Also, how ridiculous is it that because of one nameless shameless friend we're not allowed to play with Fuzzy Navel?! When she studied abroad and was served a "fancy" peach desert she didn't realize you weren't supposed to eat the pit. Swallowed. Whole. Which is pretty impressed things considered, but a life of peach induced dry heaving. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯